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Eye of the Storm

Eye of the Storm

Started by Icarus Essair

Jun 07, 2018, 07:31 PM

Dated March 29, 76

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32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
Jun 07, 2018, 07:31 PM 586 Words Last Edit: Sep 09, 2018, 06:54 PM by Lenara
Note: Thread will contain references to endless rain, and thus contains references to rape and incest even though those actions do not occur in this thread. Proceed with caution.

He was up, he was up. Icarus was up. He was not awake quite yet, but that was fine. Something serious was going on and he wasn't quite parsing it. Icarus' room was right across from Cygnus', so while things were muffled, he was close enough to hear the lamp breaking, which had woken him up. Or at least, it sounded like a lamp breaking to him. It wasn't until the sound of Kassandros slamming his own door that Icarus actually got up.

Sense should probably have sent him to Kassandros' room, but he opened the door in time to watch Kass' guard drop their other brother onto his own bed before stalking down the hall - and that left a lot of questions. Sandalio hadn't seemed to notice him, but then Icarus supposed he wouldn't, being focused on whatever had happened to upset Kass so much. That left Cygnus to Icarus, of course. Well, that was probably for the best. Icarus entered Cygnus' room only a moment or two later. But before he could say anything the noise level from their brother's room rose. Icarus looked between the wall that separated this room from Kass' and to Cygnus several times.

At some point amid the storm Icarus had just settled down on the floor next to the door against the wall, waiting for it to pass. Kass had... never been like this. Icarus couldn't remember a time when Kassandros had actually cried. That noise. The sound that was a cross between a scream and a sob, or sounded like it through the wall, it caused his heart to constrict painfully.

It seemed to quiet down, finally, not long after that. Icarus was quiet for several moments after the volume came down in the other room, unsure if it would start up again. And, well, he needed a moment to process before he could figure out how to proceed. "What-" And then he stopped again, closing his mouth and considering the wording. He didn't really want to come off as accusing Cygnus when he didn't know what was going on. His brother would probably only get defensive, and it wouldn't help.

Icarus took a deep breath, and started again. "Cygnus, what happened, exactly?" It was the best phrasing he could come up with in his currently half-asleep state. It was, at least, much better than the 'what did you do' that had been his first thought. In as long as Icarus could remember Kass had never cried. So what had happened tonight that pushed him over the edge until he started breaking things in his bathroom and shrieking like some sort of tormented spirit?

Okay, it had only been one shriek like that, but Icarus was pretty sure that sound was going to haunt him for a long, long time.

@aphelion

(test edit)

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
"Ee!"

Sandalio set him down, and Cygnus fell backward. At least he didn't fall off, he supposed that was a bonus. Not that he wouldn't deserve it, he guessed. He just didn't understand what he did. No, that wasn't right. He knew what he'd done, he just didn't understand why that was... apparently bad. Admittedly, he'd not paid his eldest brother as much attention as he probably should've. Maybe that was why they never seemed to be able to get along, but, Kassandros had never cried before. Cygnus cried all the time. Icarus didn't do it as much, either, but he'd at least cried sometimes. But Kassandros had never --

What'd that mean, anyway? That word, raping, he'd heard that before, in other forms, sometimes. It was a word most of Dalmasca seemed to use at one point, but he didn't know what that was, exactly. Honestly, Cygnus didn't notice Icarus slip in his room at first, either. It was probably the first time Cygnus ever looked to be so deep in thought. He wasn't exactly known for his mental capabilities. Blue eyes were watching the wall, squinting in confusion and thought, and then, there was crashing. He recognized it enough to know that was glass breaking, and then something else and... what was that?

That loud shriek-crying sound... it didn't sound like Kass' guard, it sounded like Kass. Had he really made that sound? It hurt. It hurt just to hear it, and maybe it wasn't terribly surprising, when tears welled up in Cygnus' eyes and he started crying, too. It hurt.

What had he done?

"I don'know," Cygnus whined, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. He really didn't want to think about it. If he just squeezed his eyes closed and ignored it all, maybe it'd stop. The hurt was still there, in that gods awful sound Kass had made over there, and he couldn't get it out of his head. Maybe he'd never really forget it, either, even years in the future.

No, he knew what happened, he just didn't understand what was wrong with it. Kass had always seemed more distant, after, so it wasn't like it was all that frequent of an occurrence. ... maybe that wasn't normal? It wasn't like Cygnus would know. He'd only had two boyfriends in his entire life, probably a good thing, really, and one died and the other had to get married. Technically, Cygnus should probably be getting married, too, eventually. Not that Kass seemed to think about that; father always had, but after he was gone, nobody said anything about marriage ever again. How long ago was that?

He was too drunk for this.

"M'too drunk for this," Cygnus grumbled. "M'sorry if I don'make sense. But I didn'do anything that shoulda upset'im so much, we were just having sex and then his guard interrupted and Kassi started crying and -- what's rape? He used that word, ... guard did, Sandalio? Like that explained everything but I don'know what that means. What's that mean?" He didn't get it.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
... He didn't know? Icarus wasn't sure how to respond to that at first, his mind still whirling rather violently as he tried to get a grasp on what had happened. What they'd just listened to. He hoped desperately that Kassandros would be okay, and Sandalio too. Some of those crashes had sounded terrible, and his heart was still twisting over what he'd heard.

Icarus had another reason for staying quiet for a bit longer - sometimes Cygnus would continue talking if left undisturbed, and sometimes what he said was important. Icarus didn't know what to ask, exactly, so without any more information it would be similarly worded. Which, wouldn't be helpful if Cygnus generally didn't know how to answer. Still, he certainly wasn't going to go ask Kassandros what had happened, exactly.

That was nothing new, Cygnus being drunk. Icarus didn't even attempt to look sympathetic, instead inclining his head a touch in recognition, and leaving it there. ... Wait they were having sex? "...You were... having sex..." Slowly, as if he genuinely didn't understand. "With our brother?" That was an important distinction. He wasn't just having sex he was having sex with Kassandros. They were having sex, and then Kassandros started crying, and the guard interrupted. Well that explained the conflict with Sandalio there right as Icarus had come out of his room.

Wait had Cygnus just - yes. He'd just asked what rape was. "Rape is when you're having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you." Calmly, there was no point in getting upset at Cygnus. There was no point, he didn't understand and he was drunk and that didn't fucking make it right but getting upset wouldn't help anything either. "Which, if Kassandros started crying I'm going to just go out on a limb and say he didn't want to be having sex with you." Because, you know, you didn't have sex with your siblings. What the fuck Cygnus? What in the actual fuck had made him think that was a good idea?

"To Sandalio that probably did explain everything." Just putting that out there. Yeah, a slave would be pretty familiar with rape and the signs of it, and the reactions that it could cause. Kassandros was so viciously against anyone touching anyone without permission, how in the hell had it even gotten that far?

Not that Cygnus ever actually listened to Kassandros. Icarus just sort of buried his face in his hands for a moment or two, breathing and trying to get a handle on this. He was not rested well enough for this.

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
Cygnus arched an eyebrow, and then nodded. Yep, he and Kassandros were having sex. Like that was the most normal thing in the world, but, in his mind, at least, it was. Or it had become that way. Did Kassi and Icarus not do that? It wasn't really any of Cygnus' business, so, he'd never asked.

Oh. Okay. Cygnus frowned, a bit, thinking. Someone who doesn't want to have -- but there was the problem, he guessed. How did you know they didn't? And Kass had never indicated he didn't before. Certainly he'd never done that before. Now he was confused. "But he's never done that before? He didn't seem to mind until now." So, that made no sense. Well, not to him, at least. Probably, he was missing something, but this wasn't anything new. Cygnus was, as he was figuring out, very slowly, always missing something. Ugh, this was more complicated than he wanted to bother with, right now, but maybe he should. Obviously, he'd really upset Kassi. And maybe he said he did sometimes, but he really didn't actually hate him.

"How do you know?" he decided to ask. "Like, if they don't want to? Obviously no is... but he never said that, either." So, presumably, he didn't want to, and Cygnus just didn't notice he didn't. But he couldn't think of anything that might... "Wait, is that why he just, laid there?" That was the only thing that was weird that he could think of, right now. Because he never said no, never pushed him away, and Cygnus wasn't sure how else you were supposed to tell.

Ugh, how'd this turn out so wrong? Because Cygnus had no idea what he was doing on a good day, that was how.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
Icarus sighed. "Kassandros never seems to mind anything. That's not a very good thing to judge by." Just saying. He tried to keep his tone from sounding clipped, because it wouldn't help, but he wasn't sure how successful he was, either. Didn't seem to mind until now... "How long have you been doing this?" Was what he finally asked after a moment. Icarus both did and did not want to know. He settled on needing to know just how much damage there might be, and how long this had been going on underneath his nose.

Icarus suppressed the second sigh. Okay. Um. How to even answer that, because for a moment he wasn't sure. "Generally them saying it. Or, by not responding when you touch them. By them never initiating it or seeming to avoid you afterward." There were other ways, but Icarus wasn't sure that Cygnus was capable of recognizing generally uncomfortable body language. He was really bad at non-verbal queues. And that wasn't his fault, it just... was.

"... Can I ask where you came to this as a good idea, too?" Because where had this come from? It certainly hadn't come from no where. He really didn't think Cygnus was capable of making a jump like that all the way to 'yes lets have sex with our brother' without some sort of external influence. ... And Icarus wanted to find that influence and rip them apart.

Okay probably not. If only because murder charges would reflect very badly on the family.

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
No, he supposed, he didn't. Perhaps that was sort of the issue; Cygnus wasn't good at thinking beyond surface things. Kassandros never seemed to mind anything. And Cygnus just, never thought about it, beyond that. It wasn't anything new. He rarely ever did think about anything beyond the surface, and he knew, or... he remembered Kassandros and Icarus saying, that this was how Dalmasca screwed you over. It was never direct. Cygnus didn't understand things beyond the first few layers. He'd never figured out how to make sense of it, and, maybe, at this point, he was going to have to. Even if only because, he really didn't want to hurt Kassi. It just seemed like, he always did.

It was a slow realization, really, trickling through the molasses most of his brain functioned like, anymore. He was drunk, and it was processing faster than normal, but tomorrow, he'd have to be sober, and it'd take longer for him to get it. What'd he mean by 'it'? Everything. Anything. Pick something. It wasn't like he was ever very good at anything. At least, nothing that he should be good at. No one had ever said it, but he was sure someone had thought it, at some point. What an embarrassment to the Essair name Cygnus was. Yeah... he knew that, now.

Well, Kassi hit most of those qualifiers for saying no. And Cygnus had missed it, like always he did. Was he capable of doing anything besides fucking up? He'd ponder that later. At least it didn't sound like Kassandros was still crying over there. He still was. He uncurled a bit, wiping away his tears. What was he crying for, anyway? Stupid. It wasn't like he had any right to be upset, right now. "Um, maybe three years, now," he thought. They were seventeen now, and he'd started that when they were fourteen, so he thought that was three years. Cygnus was really bad with numbers, but, he thought so. "... we were fourteen. I'm really bad with numbers, I think that's right, but, I don't know." He raised one hand, counting his fingers. "Yeah, three." Who still had to count on their fingers when they were seventeen, anyway?

Whatever. Another thing he sucked at. He had a whole list of things he was bad at, anymore. This was starting to become painfully normal. Cygnus is bad at that. Of course he was. Cygnus was bad at practically everything, why not whatever it is this time, too? Ugh, he wasn't the one that should be upset.

"Er. ... well, I thought, you know, Kassi and I don't get along, most days. But, the Salonus kids seem to? So... I thought I'd try that. ... I think it made it worse and didn't?" Did that even make sense? Whatever. At least he was saying the right words today. Probably only because he was drunk. As it happened, the only time Cygnus could really be called any sort of rhetorically blessed was when he was drunk. He was pretty sure that was supposed to be the other way around. Look, he even fucking sucked at being drunk.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
Three years. And then of course Cygnus confirmed it by saying how young they'd been when this started. Fourteen, they'd been fourteen. This had been going on for three years and he hadn't even noticed? Icarus felt like a pretty big failure there. Right under his nose for three years. Somewhere in here he almost wanted to congratulate him on getting it right the first time, but that felt awfully patronizing, so he decided not to say anything at all.

Instead he stayed where he was sitting for a moment and processed. And seriously, at no point in three years had Kass tried to say no, or put a more permanent stop to things? He didn't say anything. "I'm sorry." Yeah he kind of was. He had had no idea what was going on and he hadn't been paying enough attention, and maybe he could have spared both of his brothers a load of issues if he'd just... paid more attention.

And maybe it wasn't fair to blame himself, but Kass didn't ever put his foot down about things when they involved him. In a sense, he'd failed them both. And yeah, he felt bad for that. It wasn't his fault, but he could have prevented some of the damage if he'd just bothered to pay more attention to them both instead of staying walled away in his own world.

"...The Salonus kids do this? Of course they do." He was friends with the Salonus kids? Gods above he really hadn't been paying enough attention. Here, he'd been thankful that the wrong sort had never messed with Cygnus because he just couldn't handle the mind games they played, and it had been happening right under his nose. "I... guess I can see the logic in doing that." He could, to be fair. There was logic in what Cygnus had done. He wasn't sure if that made it better or worse, if he was being totally honest with himself. "As for making it worse or not... I'm not really sure." Maybe a twisted mixture of both.

"I didn't know you were friends with Salonus' kids." In a rather conversational tone. Would he tell Kass about that particular friendship, maybe it wasn't a good idea. On the other hand, maybe him knowing what brought this on all those years ago would be helpful in some sense. Knowing that Cygnus wasn't just screwed up, that there had been a logical jump made. It wouldn't fix the trauma, but it might help the healing a little, in time.

Icarus was the smallest bit worried though, about what was going on in Cygnus' head. Because this conversation represented the realization that what he'd been doing for possibly a really long time was a really... bad thing to be doing. And he was just a little worried about how his brother would internalize that, exactly. He wasn't really stupid, he was fully capable of grasping this now that it had been explained to him.

Well, they'd see, he supposed.

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
Wha? Cygnus tilted his head a bit, confusion pretty obvious. "Why are you sorry? You didn't do it." Icarus hadn't even given him the idea, so, he wasn't sure what Icarus was apologizing for. Maybe just, the whole thing in general. What'd they call that? Sympathy? He thought so. Cygnus did and did not understand that, funny enough. That sympathy stuff; most said he felt it, or seemed to, but Cygnus felt a lot of things, and most of them didn't make any sense to him. Nobody had ever really taught him what any of what he felt meant. Of course, he got the obvious stuff -- anger, sadness, excitement, he knew what those were, and most of the time, he could figure out why he felt them. And then there were other things, things that went a bit deeper than that, that didn't make any sense at all. Half the time, he didn't even know what they were.

"All the time," Cygnus answered, snorting, rocking backward slightly, holding onto his ankles to keep balance. "One of their sisters never wears clothes. Thinking about it that was... ... was... um." Actually, he didn't have a word, for that, for what he felt right there. "... um, the thing, where you just kinda wanna hide for a week? That. I felt that." He didn't really know what that was, but it hadn't been the first time he'd come across it -- just the first time he'd tried to explain it. He had a lot of situations where he felt a thing, but he didn't have the words for it. Maybe that was something he should work on figuring out, too. Maybe he'd misunderstood that, too, because he did want Kassi, but, maybe he didn't mean it the way he thought? He frowned again, more to himself, thinking about that. He'd wanted people before, so it wasn't all that new, but it felt different, now that he focused on it. It was more like how he wanted their mom, not... how he felt about his boyfriends.

Ehh, another thing he'd messed up.

"Yeah, we met at a party a few years ago," Cygnus said, tone half-distracted. "Is it possible to want somebody without... wanting them? What's that even mean?" He had no earthly idea. "Because I wasn't lying, I want Kassi, but thinking about it, it's not like... like a boyfriend, it's... more like I want mom. But I don't know what that means." Ugh, emotions were actually really complicated. It was probably a good thing he was talking to Icarus, and not Kass, because, Kass seemed to suck at emotions as much as Cygnus did. Not that Icarus was always a shining star of emotional management, either.

Were they supposed to be good at this? Other people seemed to be. "Icarus, what's wrong with us, that nobody stays?" Mom left, uncle did too, then dad... dad was never really there, anyway. And then Kassandros had all but left, too, and someday he'd be gone forever. Cygnus was starting to understand what was so wrong with him, but, Icarus wasn't as bad, and Kassi hadn't been once, either. Maybe once, Cygnus wasn't so terrible. He didn't get it. But he wasn't sure if he was supposed to.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
"Because if I'd been paying a little better attention, maybe I could have fixed this sooner." Or at least helped a little. If he'd known what Cygnus was struggling with then he could have helped before it devolved into chaos, maybe. Which, just the attempt would have been better than letting it get like this, at least in Icarus' opinion. Ah, but it was too late to dwell on it, really. "Also because I feel just generally bad for the situation." Sympathy, more or less. These were his siblings and he really did care.

"That sounds like embarrassment." Sort of? That was the best thing that Icarus could put to it, with that just explanation. "Which I can understand that's pretty uh..." Terrible, actually. Good god. "I wish I could say that that sounded surprising given Salonus' tendency towards child pleasure slaves." Maybe he shouldn't have said that, ah, but the words were already out so it was too late to take them back. If he'd been thinking more clearly he wouldn't have said that. Whoops.

"Of course." One of the ones he'd missed. Ugh. Well Salonus' kids probably did enjoy parties. No one in Dalmasca really squinted at their proclivities. Especially not when they were drinking.

Ah... "That sounds like missing him." After a moment thoughtfully. "You miss Kassi." Probably in the sense of missing the way it had been when they were kids and they spent time together when Father was doing other things. Before father had taken over all of Kassi's time and then Kassi had thrown himself into being head of house and stopped... smiling. Stopped doing lots of things, really. Can we just take a moment to realize it was sad that Cygnus missed their brother while they lived together?

Icarus' expression turned kind of sad, and he crawled across the space to be closer to Cygnus, gently laying his hand on his brother's shoulder. He wanted to hug him, but he wasn't sure it was welcome, exactly. "I don't know." He admitted quietly. "I don't know why no one stays. I wish I did, Cygnus."

"I'm not sure there is anything wrong with us." Mildly. "But I... can't pretend I know why people keep going away." Until it was just them, and even Kassi wasn't really... here anymore. Probably because he was going to die one day but it was also painful because he was still right there and most of the time... no. He wasn't. It was selfish maybe, but Icarus wished they had more of Kass' attention, sometimes.

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
That was true. Maybe he could've. Icarus was better at making sense of these things than Cygnus was. Maybe none of them were really as good at it as they could be, but, Icarus at least had words for the things Cygnus felt. Still, it wasn't really his problem? Maybe Cygnus was looking at it the wrong way, but it seemed kind of weird... no, wrong word. Bad? Not right. Ugh, he didn't know. Just, there was something off about Cygnus needing help making sense of what he felt. His brother shouldn't have to explain this sort of thing to him, he should get it, by now. Would he always be so incapable of making sense of anything? Cygnus didn't know. At the moment, it seemed that way, seemed like he'd never really understand everything there was to understand, and he was bad with emotions, and bad with numbers, and actually he wasn't even all that great at fighting, and he was bad at picking the right friends, and choosing the right words, and --

Missing him. Yeah, that was it, he missed Kassi. Before their father had spirited him away somewhere to teach him how to do the running the house stuff, he was always around, at least for a while. Maybe not constantly, but Cygnus thought being around each other constantly would've driven them all about up a wall, anyway. There were times, now, where he went days without seeing their older brother, and he was almost always here, physically in the estate. When did that change? When did Kassi end up so close, and so far away, all at the same time? When did they start losing him before he was even gone? Maybe it didn't matter. It wasn't like either Cygnus, or Icarus, could make him come back. Even Kassi didn't stay, in the end. When they were younger, Cygnus used to think Kassandros was going to be around all the time. There were three of them for a reason, he was sure. Maybe so none of them had to be alone, so that even if everyone else left, they were still together, and still had each other. It didn't work out, that way, did it. He was actually the second one they'd lost, after mom.

And why did mom actually go, anyway? He'd never know, probably, but Kassi wasn't that bad. Maybe it was just easier for him to accept, because there'd never been a time when Kassi wasn't Kassi, but even so, there was never a time when Kassi wasn't Kassi. Shouldn't mom have gotten used to it, too? People were afraid of some stupid things sometimes, but it wasn't like Kassi was really dangerous. Well, no, he was, but only if you made him mad, and the only way to do that was to hurt someone else. Mom wouldn't have, right? He hardly remembered her, anyway, maybe she would've.

"I dunno," Cygnus said, quiet, staring at his blankets, "I'm starting to see what's wrong with me. But you and Kassi aren't that bad, just a bit lost." At one time, maybe he had been 'just a bit lost,' but, he thought he'd gone a little over the deep end, and stopped being just a 'bit' lost, and started being 'hopelessly messed up.' He didn't say that. "Why did mom leave? I always figured the rumors were right, that Kassi was just difficult, but, he's not that bad. It doesn't make sense, anymore." Maybe, really, it never had. Cygnus just hadn't wanted to think about it. He remembered why, now, why he didn't like thinking about things. It was painful, when he did.

It was becoming more painful not to.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It was unfair, the way their lives had been built around them. Carelessly they'd been handed all kinds of cards, almost all the right pieces to make a perfect hand, by all rights they should have had decent lives, if not good ones. But the things that would have led to them having those kinds of lives had been taken away. Icarus knew life wasn't supposed to be fair, but how was it that they lost so much? First their mother had gone away, their father had never really been there to begin with. Then their father had slowly but surely pulled even Kassi away from them.

All they'd ended up with, after mom went, was each other, and something had seen fit to take that away, too, in many ways. Merenwen had tried, but she ... mm. It wasn't exactly the same, as much as Icarus loved her. When Father had died, the weight had been lifted from them in some ways, but Kassi had slipped further and further away as he tried to keep the house floating. Icarus had tried to help, but he didn't know enough about what he was doing, apparently.

"Oh, Cygnus..." He sounded a little sad, and slid closer to his brother, putting an arm around the form that was like his but different, all the same. "You're not so bad either. Just a little lost, like you said." Quietly. "We're all a little lost. No one ever taught us the things we needed to know." So they didn't. They'd been left adrift until now, and while they'd all been close together, they'd been unable to reach one another. Unable to help one another.

They were drowning, in some sense.

"I don't know." Quietly. "I wish I did. I wish I knew what made her abandon us because it wasn't fair. Kassi needed her. We needed her." There was the faintest flicker of anger in his voice. "But all I know is what the rumors said. I don't think we'll ever really know why." If that wasn't it... probably not. It wasn't like she was coming back, at this point.

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
It wasn't like Cygnus was terribly good at thinking, anyway. Maybe, instead, he'd just ask Icarus or something. Maybe, someday, it'd start making sense, in his head, and one day he wouldn't have to ask, anymore. He wasn't sure if that was how things like that worked, but it was worth a try. It was the only thing he could come up with to do. It wasn't as if anyone had any other answers, because things like this seemed to be fairly rare. As far as he knew, he was the only one in Dalmasca that dealt with this, maybe the only one anywhere. He'd met a lot of people in his short life -- he could decide that relatively confidently. Or, maybe, he was being a dumb-ass, again. It seemed to be his default state.

Maybe. Maybe he was just lost, too. As it happened, though, he'd been lost for a while, now, if he was guessing right, and it'd been this long. He still hadn't figured anything out, and at this point, he was beginning to wonder if he could. No, no. If he couldn't figure it out, then, he'd always be a terrible person. He'd never get any better, and he didn't want to be a terrible person -- what if he just really was a terrible person? No. If he just accepted it then it really wouldn't ever get better, and maybe it still wouldn't, but, wasn't it worth trying? He'd need help, though. Cygnus wasn't good at most things. He'd need help, figuring out what was right and what was wrong, and... there were a lot of nuances to talking to someone he didn't really notice, before. Even now, he couldn't really make sense of why, exactly, Kassandros shrieking over there had upset him so much, only that it had.

Yeah, they did need their mom. Maybe Cygnus wouldn't be so damned messed up, if she'd stayed, maybe none of them would be. It was too late for maybe, of course, but Cygnus still found himself wondering what life would've been like. Girls didn't really run houses, in Dalmasca -- some could, but, he didn't remember enough of her, to know if their mother was one that could. Maybe Kassi would still be head of house, but at least he wouldn't have to do everything himself. There was no sense wondering. It wasn't like it'd ever happen. He'd never really know, what it'd be like.

"Can I ask you stuff?" he asked. "You know, when stuff doesn't make sense, or I'm not sure if something's a good idea. Can I ask you?" He wasn't really sure if Icarus wanted to be bothered with things like that, or at least wouldn't mind. But, maybe he should just, leave Kassi alone, for a while, if nothing else.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
Icarus was still for a moment after their last exchanges, Cygnus seemed to be lost in thought, and for a moment Icarus withdrew into his own mind. Still listening, still considering. But there was something he'd forgotten, something... hm. Something he probably should have shared some time go and it hadn't ever really come up. He felt bad for that now. Felt bad because maybe he could have helped with this knowledge before this happened, because it would have been something else to burn energy off on.

He wasn't sure how to bring that into this conversation though, quite yet, and he mused on that for a few moments.

But Cygnus spoke again, and his attention shifted back to him fully. No more mental wandering - it wasn't polite in conversation, and Cygnus could use his attention and guidance anyway, in some ways. It was kind of sad, really. He'd never had enough positive attention, and even now the only place he got it from was them and it wasn't positive nearly often enough anymore. Even this wasn't... really.

Mm.

"Of course you can." Icarus responded after only a moment or two. There was no question about that - Icarus was more than willing to try and help this all make sense to his brother. They'd done him a bit of a disservice, protecting him from everything. Now Icarus felt somewhat responsible for trying to repair it as much as he could by offering the answers that Cygnus maybe didn't have. They knew that.

"So someone mentioned something interesting that might be helpful too, in some ways." Mildly. "They said it seemed like you had a whole lot of energy that didn't really have anywhere to go, which I had to agree with, really." Er, he was rambling. "Anyway, the point is, they mentioned you might benefit from some sort of creative outlet, they mentioned like sculpting or well, glassblowing like Cyprian does." Though he wasn't sure if Cygnus would necessarily be able to focus around the risks of glass blowing.

On the other hand, it might be precisely what he needed to keep his attention focused on it.

18 Posts 17 Years Male Brown Hair Blue-Grey Eyes 5' 9 Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.
He didn't mind. Okay. It was worth asking, he thought, because just assuming... apparently got him in a lot more trouble than he'd first thought. Of course it did, because Cygnus wasn't good with unspoken things, and things that only sort of made sense, and whatever. Maybe he'd just get into the habit of always asking, until he didn't need to, anymore, and could figure out the answers himself. It was difficult to decide what to do here, but it was more difficult figuring it out on his own. Clearly, he wasn't very good at it.

A lot of energy? Cygnus looked confused, for a moment, but then thought about it, or tried, at least. Yeah, maybe that was right. Kassandros and Icarus could hold still, if nothing else, but Cygnus had never mastered that. He always wanted to be doing something, needed something interesting to mess with. Apparently, it'd started getting him into trouble. Well, no, he'd only just realized it was, it'd probably been getting him into trouble for years, now.

Sculpting? Cygnus didn't know much about sculpting. Sounded kind of fun, though. "What's glassblowing?" he asked. He'd heard the term before, in passing, but he'd never really focused on it long enough to realize he had no idea what that was. Was it like, blowing bubbles out of glass? That didn't make sense. Glass was kind of neat, though, if Cyprian had figured out how to work with it, maybe he'd see if he wouldn't mind teaching him. The way he had it figured, the worst that happened was, he said no, or something.

That was the worst thing, right? Hmm. He couldn't think of how that might be insulting. And Icarus wouldn't vaguely suggest something that'd be a bad idea, at least. That decided, what was glassblowing? Well, he probably shouldn't ask again. "Weren't you sleeping?" he asked, frowning a bit. He should be going to sleep; Kassi had told him to, at least. And, maybe Sandalio was right, and he should just, do what Kassi said for once.

32 Posts 17 Years Male Golden Brown Hair Blue Eyes 5'10'' Dalmasca Warlord House Essair
Icarus was quiet, letting Cygnus think about what he'd said first without his interference. Sometimes that was all he needed, of course, a chance to think about things and process them. Cygnus didn't usually take that time, which was of course the major issue that he had. But, well... at the moment he seemed reasonably inclined to do so. Perhaps because he'd realized just how bad things had gotten while he was ignorant to the reality of it - at least partially because Kassandros and Icarus allowed him to be, but here they were.

"Glassblowing is basically making objects out of glass by blowing air into the molten glass to create the shapes, because the glass moves around the air instead of forcing it out." For some reason, Icarus wouldn't pretend to entirely understand why that was apparently how it worked, it just was. He hadn't toyed with it on his own, so he didn't really have experience with it to use to explain, so... there was that. Anyway.

"...I was." He had been, and come to think of it, yeah he was pretty tired. "But this was more important to deal with." It certainly was - Kassandros was being taken care of by Sandalio, so Icarus was making sure Cygnus was okay - it was reasonable. They'd needed to have this conversation, honestly. Preferably before anyone else got hurt because they were avoiding important things they should have discussed months - maybe even years ago.

On the other hand, the conversation was starting to wear down to things they could go over in the morning, and the noise from next door had quieted, and maybe it was a good idea to get some rest and look at this with fresh eyes in the morning. "On the other hand, I suppose the rest can probably wait until morning, if you're ready to try and get some rest."

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